Resilience and a New Normal: Afshan’s Story

January 22, 2020

Proudly born and raised in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Afshan is an economist living in Ottawa with her husband, Mathieu, and their five-year old daughter, Eshana. At 37, Afshan is also surviving ovarian cancer. We connected with Afshan recently and she had a few things to say about her personal experience with this disease, following years of significant health and gynecologic challenges leading to her diagnosis in 2019.

Left to right: Mathieu, Eshana and Afshan

How did you become involved with Ovarian Cancer Canada?

My diagnosis in Spring 2019 was bewildering for many reasons. I learned about Ovarian Cancer Canada and contacted them to try to make some sense of it and also because I felt the need to do something. As I read more about ovarian cancer, the more scared I became. I was shocked that outcomes had not changed much in more than 20 years. I began to see a new and additional sense of purpose. For me, it was important to contribute somehow. The Ovarian Cancer Canada Walk of Hope seemed like a good start.

What was it like to participate in your first Ovarian Cancer Canada Walk of Hope?

A month before the Walk, and as I was recovering from two related surgeries, my oncologist confirmed my next steps: chemotherapy and radiation. My daughter was about to start junior kindergarten. My career was about to take off and I was eager to get back to the job I love. I was initially devastated by the news, but knew that taking an aggressive approach was the best way forward. My oncologist agreed that I could postpone starting chemo to the week after my daughter started school, which I am so grateful for.

The Walk was scheduled a week before I started chemo. It was symbolic for me. I started a team called Afshan’s Army, with the idea of including a few girlfriends and raising $500. On the day of the Walk, 50 friends, family and colleagues joined me and we raised over $5000! I also had friends and family start “branches” of my team across Canada, from Chilliwack, British Columbia to Halifax, Nova Scotia. They were truly my army and I felt full to the brim of emotion that day. I have never felt more supported. I also felt a sense of solidarity, walking with other ‘teal sisters’ and people who have lost a loved one to this disease.

Afshan's Army at the Ovarian Cancer Canada Walk of Hope in Ottawa, ON.

What else has helped you as you’ve moved through surgeries and treatment?

Getting through my diagnosis was difficult but there were a few things that helped. I sought regular counselling at my local hospital. On days that I felt my anxiety building I would go out for a brisk walk to change my mindset. Some days I went out for multiple brisk walks and some days I just needed to cry. A friend of mine started coming to hang out with me once a week. I called them my “Wednesdays with Cheryl” and they are ongoing! I also started drawing like crazy. I used to draw and paint but had lost the hobby somewhere between doing a PhD and having a child. I found it calming and fun.

Starting chemotherapy, strange as it sounds, also helped my anxiety, as I felt like I was doing something against the cancer. It was hard but I got through it. As someone who had been active physically and socially, the week post-chemo was always awful for me. There was nothing I could do but just wait it out, and I often cried. It was a good release and I got used to knowing that at some point in “chemo week” I was going to cry.

As a family, we learned to ask for help. I realized that my friends didn’t know how to help me but wanted to. So I started being specific with requests. For us, that largely meant setting up playdates for our daughter. My friend set up a meal train and we got weekly help with food. It was amazing (though I’ve had enough lasagna to last a lifetime!). My family flew into town during chemo week to help as well. On my two weeks where I felt well between treatments, I’d also set up little projects for myself. I taught myself how to use a sewing machine my mom had bought for me years ago that was still in a box. I started baking. I talked with my neighbours who, in the hustle and bustle of daily life before, I had never slowed down to connect with before.

But there were days I was sad. I remember my daughter curling up on my lap, a tear running down her cheek as she said to me “I’m sad you’re sick, Mama.” I missed parent-teacher interviews also because of chemo week. I often felt sad about important days I missed. My husband and I decided that we would make sure that on days I was feeling well we would do something fun as a family, like painting pottery or going to see a movie. We found our new normal as a family.

Afshan and Eshana

What sticks out as a key learning for you?

Initially after my diagnosis I was obsessed with statistics. But I realized that obsessing with these numbers was not helpful. It didn’t change my situation! I learned that I needed to, as hard as it is, get out of my head and live in the present. When I expressed my fear of dying to my counsellor, she said to me “Well, are you dying right now?" I was shocked by the directness of the question but answered, meekly “No.” Keeping myself busy when I’m feeling well, while also allowing my body to rest when needed, helps me to feel normal and that life can go on.

But I will still have bad days and that’s ok. I’ve learned the bad days pass. Doing something intentional, even something small, helps them pass.

**No two women with ovarian cancer will necessarily have the same experience, but what would you share with other women based on your experience?**

A couple things. While the specifics of your diagnosis and how you got there might be different, our hopes and fears are generally the same. My diagnosis initially felt lonely, but I think of nothing more symbolic than being surrounded by my ‘teal sisters’ at the Walk or in the chemo unit. I also encourage other women to advocate for themselves and their health and to not be afraid of doing this.

Finally, find your new normal, both as a person, and if relevant, as a family. Sometimes I found myself looking in the mirror and feeling like I didn’t recognize myself. The physical effects of chemo reflected someone I didn’t recognize. I went from someone who could deadlift 200 pounds at the gym, led an active social life, and excelled at her job, to barely being able to lift my little girl. Reconnecting with hobbies, finding my new daily routine (which depended on which week it was post-chemo), and trying something new when I felt well all helped me find my new normal.

What do you most want to see happen in terms of progress on this disease?

As we step into 2020, I want this to be the decade of breakthroughs in ovarian cancer.

What are you looking forward to, personally, in 2020?

As I approach the end of treatment, I am personally looking forward to finding my life - another new normal - this year. This means planning a vacation with my family. I also love my job and colleagues and can’t wait to get back to working at the right time. I know that follow-up CT scans are on the horizon and that I will have anxiety around them. But I also know I will get through them, just like I got through the last six months. I often cringe when someone tells me that I’m "so brave" having gone through all this. I don’t feel brave. I realize, however, that I am resilient, and this is what gives me strength going forward.

Afshan and Eshana